AGAINST ALL ODDS

I turned forty in February 2004 - a watershed moment in my life. My husband sent our children, aged 9 and twins of 6, to school, and then brought me breakfast in bed. Within hours my vocal cords went into laryngeal spasm and I could not breathe. Within days, life as I had known it came to an abrupt end. My vocal cords continued to spasm intermit-tently, and I had no control over speech or sound. My treatment protocol involved Botox injections to my vocal cords every eight weeks to paralyse them, so that I could breathe. However, paralysis of the cords impacted my ability to swallow and obliterated my speech completely. I was told this condition was chronic - I would never speak again! My world imploded. I lost my health, my ability to communicate, my consulting business, and much that defined me. My family and friends had to learn sign language and become my voice. When the Botox was no longer effective I had titanium plates inserted into my larynx and a permanent unsightly tracheotomy. I was trapped in a world of silence on a traumatic journey of self-discovery. Where was my God in all of this? A few weeks before I lost my voice a pastor had given me a prophetic word indicating that God would use me to teach, preach and share His Word; surely I needed a voice for that? I decided that I had a choice to take God at His word or accept what looked like a devastating situation. I wrote on a piece of paper: "I will speak again. You don't know how great our God is and how determined I am. I will have a testimony to share one day of what God has done." As I searched the Word for comfort God spoke to me through Isaiah 46:4, "Even to your old age and grey hairs, I am He, I am He who will sustain you; I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." I clung to God's Word and to every promise He gave me. By the end of 2008 we had reached a "new normal". We were fluent in sign language and had adjusted. As a family we had decided that no matter what the future held we would never lose our love and faith in God, our love and connection as a family, or our sense of humour. I am so grateful for those decisions as they became foundational for what lay ahead. In October of 2008 I discovered a lump in my breast. I was diagnosed with stage-one breast cancer. We were terrified and overwhelmed. "I want to hold my grandchildren and grow old with you," I sighed to my husband. "This disease chose the wrong woman!" I started 16 gruelling sessions of chemotherapy, coupled with unforeseen side effects, inclu-ding life threatening sepsis and infections. God spoke again from Psalm 27:13 - "Kim, don't despair, you will see My goodness in the land of the living." That meant now, on this earth! Miraculously I survived and went on to have a bilateral mastectomy and eventual reconstruction. During this time God again gave me a verse: Acts 15:6, "After this I will return and rebuild David's fallen tent, its ruins I will rebuild and I will restore it". God was speaking of restoration. Rob had a picture of our family - walking out and away from this valley into a wide open fertile, flood plain rich with life and vitality. God was starting to speak of restoration; we just didn't know how incredible His restoration would be! While on chemotherapy my voice started coming back. In April 2009 I wrote in my journal: "I have a very soft but audible voice with intonation and expression and it sounds just like me. God, You are so awesome." Doctors realised that five and a half years earlier when the cancer had started in the pre-malignant phase, it had put out proteins into my body. My body had mounted a response to the proteins and attacked my larynx and vocal cords. When cancer does this it destroys the nerve complexes completely and the function does not return. How-ever, my voice was returning, I could laugh, and I was starting to smell, taste, and swallow again. It was completely miraculous! Cancer and chronic illness has been a great teacher. I have learnt that nothing takes God by sur-prise. I can place my trust fully in Him, and finally, that He is a God of restoration. He has restored my voice, health, family, joy, relation-ships, work and ministry. I now live every moment fully and suck the very marrow out of life. It has taught me to prioritise time with my Jesus, the Holy Spirit and my heavenly Father, as well as my husband, children and those I love; to set boundaries and live within my limits. In closing, you may not have had the same challenges I have had, but we all go through struggles. Our God is so faithful! Press in to know Jesus personally, make that your main aim in this life. Psalm 103 says, "Praise the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits, Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, Who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." We all have one life to live; live it fully to the glory of our God! - Kim Ballantine, 082 683 0334